Another week is complete and i have to say that my yoga practice was not as dedicated as it has been in the last few months of the 365 day yoga challenge. I have no real reason or explanation, maybe some excuses, like being too busy, too tired etc, however these are the excuses that i normally don’t let hijack me. In my weekly recapitulation, which is a great habit to get into, daily, weekly and monthly where you contemplate the last 24hrs, week or 365 days in order to get clear. It reminds me of watching an instant replay, and while you can not go back and change anything, nor should you beat yourself up about the scenarios, the goal is to gain clarity and insight into your actions. Did my actions this week reflect my intentions? If not why not?
Yoga means union. One interpretation of this union is to align your intentions with your passion and energy. Often we have intentions to do something a certain way but end up in the wrong direction.
So what happened?
I started doubting myself, which is a typical pattern for me and somewhere along the line i bought into the doubts without even knowing it. I started feeding my energy to the stress, worry, fear and inadequacy. When i got down to the trigger it was such a minor and stupid detail probably on Facebook or social media that derailed me. This lead to my inability to make the simplest decisions like where should i go on holidays (i literally logged at least 12 hrs, not even exhagerating) what should i make for dinner, what book should i read,what should i teach, what should i wear EVERYTHING! It was painful. These decisions normally just roll off me, but not this week. The amount of time i spent doubting and second guessing left me tired and unmotivated, which only fed my fear and inadequacy even more. The less i practiced the worse it got until i had no space left. I was anxious, tired and stressed.
Thankfully this weekend i had to speak to “authenticity” and “finding your voice” in teacher training. I was tired of the funk i was in. I finally stepped to the edge and said what i wanted to say, that most of the rules in yoga are bullshit. The theories and stories we have about how you should and should not teach yoga, the correct alignment in the poses, correct pronunciations of sanskrit terms, what a yoga teacher should look like, eat like, live like its all bullshit. Yoga is the system of no system, the 7 billion direction intersection, that each practitioner must ultimately find for themselves. These tools and techniques that have been handed down over thousands of years have one aim: Know Thyself
Be bold, courageous, creative, awake………Be YOURSELF
You will never connect with anybody or have meaningful relationships unless you let people see you, the real you.
Real=raw, naked, imperfect, vunerable
Or continue to put on a show and no matter how many friends, lovers, followers you have you will always be lonely.
As i am beginning to wrap up yet another amazing Empowered Yoga 200 Hr teacher training. I am in reverence to my students, for once again they have taught me there is more to this path. I am blown away not by their ability to get into advanced postures or spit out the names of poses like vinyasa soldiers, but their ability to get back up not once but repeatedly when life has knocked them on their ass. Every time somebody shares with me their fears, struggles and triumphs I am inspired to be better. I read their essays, bios and letters with my jaw dropped open, thinking to myself what a fricking honour it is to share space with this amazing person, I am so grateful to be in the presence of such grace, but i know deep down these people are also doubting themselves “I am not ready” “I am not blank enough”
My doubts, insecurities and fears do not serve anybody. They drain my energy and leave me feeling uninspired, jealous and angry.I can not help anybody in this space. I can not give light when my fire is smoldering.
Am i qualified? Can i help? Do i know enough? Is this right? Will they like me? What will people think? Am i good enough?
This is what we hear as we step to the edge. The edge is uncomfortable and scary but you will miss out on the view if you don’t step up. Whats the point of making the climb if you never step to the edge, open your eyes and connect with the beauty around you. You can’t fake this you either see it or you don’t, fully embrace it or don’t. It will be scary at times. Uncomfortable for sure. You may fail, you may fall down, the haters will hate, the judgers will judge. None of this matters. Just be yourself. Align your passion with your purpose. This is how we serve the world.
“Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us. We ask ourselves, Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, fabulous? Actually, who are you not to be? You are a child of God. Your playing small does not serve the world. There is nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won’t feel insecure around you. We are all meant to shine, as children do. We were born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us. It’s not just in some of us; it’s in everyone. And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others.” Marrianne Williamson